Out of sight

02

Mar

Out of sight

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I’m a bad sister. I’m not the best friend, either. I’m too happy to be at home by myself, ignoring everything that’s going on with other folks. It’s not that I don’t care. I am an extreme example of “out of sight, out of mind.” I do have a lot on my mind. I end up having to remind myself at times of what I need to tackle. Lists are good. But putting “talk to your brother” on a list seems really cold.

I was talking to my dad the other day and his voice sounded so much like my one brother’s that I had an overwhelming urge to call him. It was during the work day and I didn’t want to freak my brother out by calling and leaving a message. I don’t call. If I saw a call from me I’d worry something awful had happened. So I figured I’d text, as that seems less intrusive, but I was driving. By the time I got home, the idea had slipped from my mind. I finally sent the text today, just a “hi, hope everything is going okay with you.” A few hours later, I got a phone call, and not being able to find my phone in the depths of my purse, had to call him back. We had a quick chat. Catching up on things.

My brother and I don’t talk much. I could talk for a while, but I always feel awkward. I’m a very awkward person, in general. I hope it’s not obvious to most people, but there’s an internal monologue usually accompanying my interactions with people, assessing whether they’re interested or bored or finding me too much. Or if I’m talking too much. I’m usually talking too much. It’s how I cover up (or double down on) my awkwardness. And, while I’d love to hear everything that’s going on with my brother, he doesn’t seem to be inclined to talk much. I don’t know if that’s just how he is, or if he thinks I’m not interested, or, I don’t know, if he even likes me very much. So, yeah, awkward. But, still, I want him to know I care.

My careless brand of caring might hurt, but it’s sincere.

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